It seems to me almost unarguable that Jesus deliberately arranged to be crucified.

Now, since crucifixion is the most prolonged and agonizing way to die ever invented by us so-called “human beings,” this instantly raises another question.  Why would he do that?  Why would someone—anyone—arrange for himself the most agonizing death possible?  You should not “beg” this question; it is at the heart of Jesus’ story.  It is the ultimate paradox.

As for me, when I think even for a moment about this question I become disturbed.  I would certainly never arrange such a thing for myself.  And anyone who would, would  be completely crazy.  And here is the stumbling block to accepting anything about Christian teaching.  It is the place where most theology derails.  [read the story The Judge]

So, why would Jesus arrange that?  Was Jesus a deluded visionary?  To me, that makes no sense.

Or—was there something very big that Jesus understood—something that I don’t understand.  This disturbing thought seeks to overthrow our inner order.  It’s so disturbing that, over the centuries, people have invented a number of “explanations” for the Crucifixion.  The most popular one is that “Jesus suffered and died for our sins.”

To me, this also makes no sense.  How can anyone, even a Messenger from God, negate the consequences of what people do or think or say or believe when they’re at their most unconscious?  It’s impossible: all actions have consequences, even thoughts and feelings have consequences.  And there are no exceptions to the laws of the Universe.

So, if Jesus wasn’t crazy, why did he do that?

To me, the answer is simple: he loved God so much that he (in one lifetime), purified his spirit completely.  With suffering.

Now, most people who study the Bible do so to find peace and calm.  But suffering?  Don’t we always live to avoid suffering?  To deliberately suffer to purify my spirit?  Not me.  No way.  That couldn’t be right.  That’s crazy.  That’s some kind of masochism, like ascetics do.  No, I’m not interested.  Don’t bother me with that crap.

And yet.  I know that sometimes people accept suffering out of love.  A mother in labor, willing to suffer to bring this new being into the world.  Because she loves the baby.  Unconditionally.  Whatever it takes.  Even if it kills her.  Or a family accepts the suffering that comes with taking care of a family member who needs a lot of help.  But that is as far as this kind of love will take anyone.  This is a kind of “Assisted Voluntary Suffering.”

But it seems to me that to get to the stage where I can be helped by suffering, I need a shock.

And, additionally, I need to be able to be disturbed by the shock—and yet I don’t flee.

Okay, is there another stage beyond this assisted voluntary suffering, an even greater love agreeing to greater suffering?

Gurdjieff hints at this being possible.  He says that  he teaches “conscious labor and intentional suffering.” But isn’t that like a grade school teacher talking to their students about getting a PhD?  It’s an aspiration,  not something for beginners like us.  Some of Jesus’ statements as well (especially in Gnostic works like the Gospel of Thomas) suggest that he also teaches the value of disturbance.

Which leads me to the subject of real conscience.  Real conscience is the Representative of the Creator—in me.  When I am young, I hear its voice.  But as I age, I become so disturbed by what it shows me that I seek out ways to shut it up, to “bury” it.  It won’t let me sleep in peace, and something in me craves sleep.

Now it seems to me that there’s another paradox about conscience: if God is so good, why is His representative—conscience—so disturbing?  Couldn’t it teach me in a gentler way?   So, I ask now: if conscience were “nicer”, would I learn from it any better?

I know the answer, of course—a “nicer” conscience would help me to go to sleep even faster, but with sweeter dreams.  I go to sleep anyway when anything disturbs me.  Why would a non-disturbing conscience be any different?

So, that leaves me with wanting to have a clean spirit, a clean heart.  But not loving God enough to pay for that cleaning by suffering seeing who I have become.

Now, to be clear, I can’t start with any kind of intentional suffering, except as some sort of spiritual parlor trick.  Even little bits of voluntary suffering are horrible for me to contemplate, except in thought.  Yet even so, when I suffer seeing how I am and I don’t flinch inside, it’s good preparation for more serious voluntary suffering.

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Warning: In my opinion, no one should bother to present this idea about the Crucifixion to most “Christians.” I suspect they would treat you politely, but privately consider you very simple and even stupid. And they would instantly argue with you.  Most of them study the Bible to bolster their existing picture of themselves and to find peace from all disturbance.  They’ll tell you “If you’re smart, you’ll do the same: don’t ask yourself questions like that.  Questions like that lead nowhere, and anyway, this sacrifice of Jesus’ is not applicable to ordinary people like us.”

.                  Lou Gottlieb                                  3/19/2022